I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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