i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
