took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
