i think i have two assholes
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize