Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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