so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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