the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
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