just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
