I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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