I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
