We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize