I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
