just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
