Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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