Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
