Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
