I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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