My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I am available for nakedness
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
