I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
