Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
