You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
