just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
