Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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