you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
