Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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