i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize