Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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