i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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