I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
