Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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