Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
