You made me cry and you don't even care
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize