Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I have feelings that need drinking.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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