Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
only you would photoshop your dick
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
