I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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