You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
