but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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