good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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