Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My pussy is not your playground.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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