Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize