That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
