I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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