a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
