if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You can't motorboat a personality
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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