My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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