I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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