You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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