Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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