I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
