is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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