On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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