I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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