I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize