i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
