every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize