my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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