Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
