I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
