I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
