I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
