you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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